The Summer and Winter Palace

 The Grimm brothers released seven editions of their fairy tale collection over the course of 40 years. What we read today are mostly translations of the later editions. In 2014, Jack Zipes released a translation of the first edition.

I was actually at the launch party for this book. Jack Zipes is super cool, and more or less local—I’ve met him a couple times, and he's awesome. But I didn’t buy the book at the time. It was a large, brand new hardcover, which meant it was expensive, and I was in college. And I already had a Grimm brothers book, although it was a later edition. I bought another, older book at the event and had him sign it for me. I forgot all about it.

Then I did my research for the origins of the shift from victim to jerk for Beauty and the Beast, and came across a mention of this story. Wikipedia told me it was included it the first edition, but the Grimms later removed it because it was too similar to Beauty and the Beast.

I remembered that this book existed, requested it from the library, and here we are. Hopefully I’ll have time to read more of the later-removed stories before it’s due back.

The story begins with a man whose daughter has asked for a rose, but it’s winter. He stumbles upon a palace with a garden. It is winter in one half of the garden, and summer in the other. He finds a rosebush there and picks a rose.

A black beast appears and threatens to kill the man unless he gives back the rose. And I’m nominating this guy for most useless fairy tale dad, because this is a clearly reversible situation. The beast just wants the rose back, and we’ll be good. But the dad is determined to give this rose to his daughter.

The beast says he can keep the rose in exchange for the daughter. He says he’ll collect the daughter in a week. The man goes home, gives the rose to the daughter, and MENTIONS NONE OF THIS.

A week later, the girl is chilling at home with her sisters—the dad isn't even there—and the beast grabs her and takes her to the palace. The dad comes home and is SHOCKED AND HORRIFIED that his daughter has been KIDNAPPED. Dude. That is not a kidnapping. That is a deal that you made. All you had to do was leave the rose. The beast stated his terms very clearly. I’m sure your daughter would rather not have a rose if it meant she wasn’t going to be taken by a beast.

Once the girl is at the palace with the beast, they get along pretty well, and end up being quite fond of each other.

One day the girl gets this horrible feeling that there’s something wrong with her father, so the beast lets her go visit home for a week, warning her that if she stays longer, he’ll die.

Dad has made himself sick with guilt and anxiety over letting his daughter get taken and probably eaten by a monster, so, like, I can’t say I have a lot of sympathy. He very much brought this upon himself.

Father and daughter have a brief reunion, then father dies, which is obviously a bit of a distraction, with the mourning and the funeral and everything. So she forgets about her time limit, and gets back to the palace well after her deadline.

She can’t find the beast anywhere. She searches the palace. She searches the winter garden. She searches the summer garden. Finally she spots a pile of cabbages, and goes digging in it until she finds the beast’s body. The text does specify that it is a body. He is dead. He is dead. But she pours some water on him, and he stops being dead, and also turns into a prince. They live happily ever after.

Why cabbages? Why did the beast, knowing his end was near, decide that a huge pile of cabbages was the place to die?

Red cabbage is sometimes associated with life, fertility, and the cyclical nature of existence. Sometimes associated with purity. Prosperity. Vitality. Longevity. But we have no indication that this is red cabbage specifically, and none of those traditions appear relevant to nineteenth century Germany. Eating cabbage soup has been used as a shorthand for poverty and stupidity. None of this seems helpful. Please feel free to share any insights you might have on the symbolic relevance of cabbage.

In the notes at the back of the book, Zipes mentions some of the sources the Grimms cited for this story. These include Cupid and Psyche and a story by Villeneuve, the author of the original novel Beauty and the Beast—an unspecified story from a collection of fairy tales. The title is provided in French (contes marins ou la jeune americaine) but seems to translate to Sea Tales or the Young American. This was written in 1740, so before America was a country. I’ve never heard of this collection and don’t know where to find an English text, though I’ll certainly be looking. The only detail Zipes provides about the story in question is that the beast is a dragon.

The notes also include the Grimms’ summary of a similar story from a Leipzig collection, and I guess Leipzig is another person I need to look up soon. So I thought I would summarize that summary, as long as we’re here.

Father tries to get gift for daughter, has a run-in with a beast. A bear, this time. The usual. Beast goes to collect daughter. First two nights he can’t get her—the father locks him out. Third night, the doors magically unlock, the suitcases pack themselves, and the girl sleeps through the process of magically being dressed as a bride and having her hair curled. Beast takes her home. She never goes to visit her family, but sees them in a magic mirror. After she has a baby and three years pass, the spell is broken and the bear becomes a handsome prince. The end.

Apparently, the Grimms liked the beginning of this story, but felt the ending was contrived.

VISIT PATREON.COM/KONGLINDORM FOR EARLY ACCESS TO POSTS.

The Singing, Springing Lark

 I have read my entire Grimm brothers book, which I have double checked includes this story, and somehow I have no memory of it, even though it’s exactly the type of story I go nuts about.

The title in my collection is The Singing, Soaring Lark. However, the title on Pitt.edu is The Singing, Springing Lark, which I prefer, because Rhyming. Btw, Pitt.edu is a fantastic online resource for folk and fairy tales. Any time I need a text and am away from home, I just google “Pitt.edu story title.”

This story begins with a man who has been traveling, and has offered to bring back gifts for his daughters. The older two request diamonds and pearls, which is easy enough, because this is the rare enchanted bridegroom story where the heroine’s family isn’t impoverished.

But the youngest daughter wants a singing, springing lark, and that’s a little harder to find. At last, on the way home, he spots one in a tree, and sends his servant to catch it.

A lion jumps out, roars, and threatens to eat anyone who takes his lark. The father immediately apologizes and says he didn’t know it belonged to someone, of course he won’t take it now. It is important to note that at this point, neither he nor his servant have even touched this bird. The bird is TOTALLY FINE.

Like, when Beauty’s dad gets her the rose, he’s already picked it when the Beast freaks out. This seems like a clear no harm, no foul situation. But the lion disagrees.

He says he’ll only spare the father’s life in exchange for the first thing that greets him when he gets home.

As we just discussed for The Girl Without Hands, the first thing that greets you is ALWAYS YOUR KID.

But this dad is genre-savvy! He says “no, my youngest daughter is usually the first one to greet me.”

Unfortunately, his servant is super scared of the lion, and convinces him that maybe the dog or cat will come greet him, and they should take the deal and go home.

Dude. You were SO CLOSE to not making the classic fairy tale father’s mistake.

So they take the lark home. The youngest daughter greets them. She’s remarkably chill about the whole situation, and goes off to meet the lion.

Now this lion is, naturally, an enchanted prince. In fact, he has with him a whole pride of enchanted lions, and all of them turn back into people at night.

And here we have the second major deviation from the fairy tale basics, after the dad’s brief moment of clarity: this is in no way a secret. The lion is totally open about his identity and the nature of the curse. She knows exactly who and what she’s sharing a bed with each night, and has fully consented to this arrangement. It’s amazing. It’s unheard of. This lion is my new favorite enchanted bridegroom.

(Btw she and all the lions just become nocturnal so she can hang with her husband in his human form during their waking hours.)

Some time passes, and her oldest sister is getting married. She goes to the wedding, along with a guard of lions, but her husband stays home. And in yet another subversion, her entire family including her sisters is happy to see her, is happy that she’s happy, doesn’t feel the need to launch an unwanted rescue, and makes no attempt to make her stay home longer than she told the lion she would.

This story just keeps on not doing what I expect. I love it.

When the girl’s second sister is getting married, she convinces her husband to come along, even though if he is touched by a ray from a burning light, he’ll be turned into a dove for seven years. The girl, the lion, and their baby go to the wedding. Yes, they have a baby now. Yes, this is the first we’re hearing of it.

Of course, at some point in the wedding, despite their best efforts, the lion is hit by torchlight. Although actually this appears to be a nighttime wedding—possibly because the bride wanted her brother-in-law to attend in his natural form?—so I guess the prince gets hit by torchlight, really.

He turns into a dove. He tells his wife that he must fly around the world for seven years, but every seven steps he’ll drop a feather and a drop of blood, so she can follow him.

Now. I’m thinking about the size of a dove, the length of a step, and how many times our girl might take seven of them in the course of seven years. And I’m thinking we’re gonna have a bald bird long before the time is up.

She follows the dove. No mention is made of the baby—maybe she left him with her dad and sisters?

The seven years are up, finally. And the dove just…disappears. No more dove. No feather, no blood, no lion, no prince. We got nothing.

She climbs up to the sun to ask if he’s seen anything. No explanation of what she climbed on to reach the sun. The sun has no info, but does kindly give her a small chest.

She asks the moon. No info, but here, have an egg.

She asks the night wind, who directs her to the east, west, and south winds. Yes, the four winds in this world are night, east, south, west. No north. And we’ve deviated from the pattern for this story type two more times—she’s been given two helpful gifts instead of the usual three, and it’s the south wind, not the north, that helps her.

The south wind informs her that her husband is at the Red Sea, he’s a lion again, and he’s fighting a serpent that’s actually an enchanted princess.

And then the night wind offers some more info, which makes no sense because he JUST SAID he didn’t know anything, that’s why they called the other three winds, but whatever. He tells her she’ll find some reeds at the Red Sea. She should cut the eleventh one, and use it to strike the serpent. This will allow the lion to overcome the serpent, and they’ll both regain their human forms. She should grab her husband, and a griffin will be hanging around to take them home.

Oh, and here’s our third gift, a little late in the game—a nut, which will grow into a tree that the griffin can rest on, otherwise he’ll be too tired to make the flight, and they’ll fall into the sea.

So she goes to the Red Sea—herself, none of the winds give her a lift—and everything goes as planned until the lion and the serpent are both human again. The recently-serpentine princess grabs the prince and climbs up on the griffin before our girl can. The griffin flies away with some random snake girl and OUR prince. Not cool.

There are no more magical helpers, here. No sun, no moon, no wind. Our girl just walks, and walks, and walks, until she reaches a castle where her husband and this new princess are living together. She is, of course, just in time for the wedding in a couple days.

She opens up the sun’s chest, finding a dress as bright as the sun. She puts it on and goes into the castle. The princess wants the dress for her wedding, and our girl offers to give it to her in exchange for a night with her lion prince. The princess agrees, but the prince is drugged. So, you know. The usual.

The second day she cracks the egg, revealing a hen and twelve chicks, all made of gold. The princess wants them. Same deal.

Now this prince is quicker on the draw than most, and has figured things out and avoided the drugged food already by the second night. He’s been bewitched to forget his wife, but remembers as soon as he hears her voice. They sneak out and find the griffin, who flies them home, resting for a while halfway through on the tree that grew out of the night wind’s nut.

Back home they reunite with their kid—the one they abandoned for seven years—and live happily ever after.

This is just…this is a lot. I’m still processing.

I really love the subversion of expectations, with the father’s self-awareness and the Beast’s honesty. I feel like both of those details add so much to the story. And the complete lack of family tension, too.

The baby. The baby. Look, if I didn’t have any kids, I would totally follow my husband around for seven years to free him from a curse. But if we had a child? I’d stay home with a child. And if I was an enchanted bridegroom? I would rather my wife take care of our kid than abandon him for my sake. Plus, like, there’s no indication that she needs to follow him? All he said was he’d have to fly around the world as a dove for seven years. The whole serpent princess situation kind of comes out of nowhere. Could she have just stayed at home with the kid, and when his seven years as a dove were up, he could rejoin them?

The serpent princess. Where did she even come from? How did our dove go from right above his wife to all the way over in the Red Sea? How did he wind up being a lion again? Who turned this princess into a serpent, and why? Why were they fighting? Why did she kidnap him?

Who turned our prince into a lion and a dove in the first place and why? Are they in any way affiliated with the princess, or whoever cursed her?

What ever happened to the singing, springing lark? What happened to all the other lions who were cursed with the prince? (Did they go on to befriend a boy with a blue belt?) (We still don’t know what happened to those lions in the end, either.)

I just have. So many questions. But overall this story was a great time.

VISIT PATREON.COM/KONGLINDORM FOR EARLY ACCESS TO POSTS.

The Girl with No Hands

We begin, as is so often the case, with a foolish father.

Guys. Only make deals with clearly defined terms. Endless wealth in exchange for “the first thing that greets you” or “what your wife carries” is not a god bargain. “Oh,” you say, “I’m sure she’s just carrying her purse.”

No. You idiot. Why would a creature able to provide endless wealth want a random woman’s purse? Your wife is pregnant.

This particular father receives wealth in exchange for what stands behind his mill, reasoning that the only thing back there is the apple tree.

Think, man, think! Why does the strange old man want your apple tree?

The strange old man promised to come back in three years for what he’s owed, which, to the surprise of no one but the miller, is the miller’s daughter.

Three years pass. The miller’s daughter, who is beautiful and pious and clean, washes herself and then draws a circle around herself with chalk. Because of this, the strange old man—who, by the way, is the devil—is unable to approach her.

He demands that the miller keep water away, so that she cannot clean herself, and the miller, being a coward as well as an idiot, complies.

The girl weeps on her hands, making them so clean that the devil still cannot claim her. He demands that the miller chop off her hands, which he does. She then weeps on the stumps, cleaning them as well, and the devil gives up on the whole thing—this girl is just too clean for him.

The miller at least feels bad about maiming his daughter, and promises to take good care of her from now on, but understandably, she just wants to get away from him.

She wanders until she reaches the royal orchard, which is surrounded by a moat. She prays, and an angel dries the moat so that she can reach the orchard, where she eats several pears.

The gardener witnesses this and reports it to the king. The king comes along the next night, meets the girl, and falls in love. He marries her, and has new, silver hands made for her.

It’s all going well until the king has to go to war, leaving his pregnant wife behind in the care of his mother.

Now, this seems like an ideal set-up for an evil mother-in-law, but she’s actually cool. The problem here is the devil, who’s still mad he didn’t get the miller’s daughter.

She has a son. Mother-in-law writes a letter to the king, letting him know. The devil replaces the letter with one claiming she’s given birth to a changeling. The king is a little freaked out by this news, but writes back that they should continue taking good care of his wife, and he’ll be home as soon as he can. The devil replaces the letter again, with one that says the king’s wife and child should be put to death.

The mother-in-law is not cool with this. She attempts to talk her son out of this plan with several letters, all of which are intercepted by the devil. In the last, he demands that after they kill the girl, they should cut out her tongue and eyes to keep as proof that it’s been done.

Mom-in-law has eyes and a tongue taken from a doe to show her son when he comes home, and sends her daughter-in-law and grandson into hiding.

They leave the palace. The queen prays, and an angel comes to care for her and the baby. Her hands grow back. They just—they just grow back. Like, that’s a thing that happens. Because of “the grace of God and her own piety.”

Seven years pass.

Meanwhile, the king has come home, and he and his mom have talked, and while they’re not quite sure who switched out all their messages, clearly they’ve been sabotaged. The king goes off in search of his wife and son, vowing to neither eat nor drink until he finds them.

God keeps him alive through the nearly seven years of dehydration and starvation. Eventually, he reunites with his wife and son, all the misunderstanding are cleared up, and they live happily ever after.

I hate that her hands grow back. That wasn’t a detail I remembered going in, and I am not a fan. There’s no good reason for it. It contributes nothing to the plot; it’s just something that happens in the background.

Disability is never a part of living happily ever after. It’s always cured in the end, unless you’re evil, in which case you probably deserve it. The girl’s hands grow back. Rapunzel’s prince goes blind, but only until she weeps on him, and her tears restore his sight. (Whether that prince is good or evil is a whole different conversation, but that’s not relevant here.)

It feels…icky. A similar kind of icky as the fact that nearly all of the antagonists, and zero of the protagonists, in Basile’s fairy tales are black. It says certain kinds of people don’t get happy endings. And it’s a problem.

So that kind of sucks. But on the bright side. The mother-in-law. I love the mother-in-law. So, so often, this character is evil. There are several similar stories where, instead of the letter being switched out, the mother-in-law writes a letter lying about the birth in the first place. And so, so often, even when the mother-in-law is right about something (like it being creepy to keep a corpse in your bedroom and call it your wife), the narrative still acts like she’s evil.

This is a good mother-in-law! She argues with her son and is applauded for it! She protects her daughter-in-law and grandson! She rocks! I love her! We need more good mothers-in-law!

VISIT PATREON.COM/KONGLINDORM FOR EARLY ACCESS TO POSTS.

Join me on Patreon for a free BATB story - Chapter 8 is up today!

You can read it here!

Members of the page - including free members - get access one week early!

Untitled Beauty and the Beast Retelling

 Mira weeps.

She has not, these last few days. She has not let herself. But now she’s alone, in her private hollow in the woods, and no one will search for her for a quarter hour, at least.

A twig snaps. 

Mira looks up. Standing before her is a great beast, seven feet tall at least, his antlers adding another foot or two. He has glossy dark fur, and a snout the looks somehow like both a bear’s and a deer’s. Horrifying and majestic, like a forest god of old.

“Hello,” he says.

She stares at him for a long moment before recovering her manners. “Oh! Hello.”

“You’re upset.”

“Um. Yes.” She really does not want to explain the situation to a monster in the woods.

He stares at her for nearly as long as she stared at him, when he first spoke. “You want to get away,” he says at last, half a question. It sounds like an offer.

“Oh, yes,” Mira says, her need for escape overwhelming both reason and fear. “But I can’t. my family is depending on my marriage. We need the bride price desperately.”

“And do you want to be married?”

She thinks of Ralph, of his bright smile and soft hands. She thinks of Ralph three days ago, when he— “No.”

The creature nods. “What is your bride price? I will pay it double, and take you away, and you needn’t be my bride.”

She studies the monster. He has no reason to help her, and she has no reason to trust him. He may be lying, about her not being his bride. He may plan to eat her instead.

She cannot stay here.

“You’ll have to speak with my father,” she says.

He nods.

“I am Mira. What shall I call you?”

He doesn’t answer for a long moment. “I don’t have a name,” he says. “You may call me Beast; it is what I am.”

-

The Beast speaks with her father in the doorway; his antlers prevent him from fitting inside. Not, Mira thinks, that her father would be inclined to let him in regardless. He closes the door on him, rudely, to discuss his offer.

“You can’t mean to marry a monster.”

“You can’t mean to turn down the bride price he offers, not with Mother sickly, and your only son still in diapers.”

“Young Ralph has—”

“Ralph will offer you half what the Beast has. We’ve made him no promises. Take the better offer.”

“I am not so desperate for gold that I would—”

“I’ll not marry Ralph, Father. Accept the Beast’s offer, or I’ll go with him anyway, and bring shame on the family.”

“He has bewitched you. Mira, child. He’s a monster. He’s—”

Continue reading for free on Patreon! Chapters post weekly; members get access one week early.

The Brave Little Tailor

 I have a very clear memory of writing about this story, which is odd, because I can find no evidence that I’ve ever done so.

(I do not have the energy to put in images, but I’ll try to remember to post some another time, because I have a fantastic illustrated copy of this story.)

Tailors are weirdly frequent fairy tale protagonists, but this is probably the best-known, and for good reason; this is definitely one of the best tailor stories around.

We begin with our tailor putting some jam on a piece of bread, then forgetting all about it while he gets caught up in his sewing. This attracts flies. He grabs a piece of cloth and swats at them, killing seven flies in one blow.

The tailor feels this is a very impressive feat. He makes a sash to wear, embroidered with “Seven in one blow,” so everyone he meets will know about it.

(This is pre-sewing machine. He’s hand sewing. Can you imagine how long that would take? To make it look nice? To make it large enough to be easily read from a distance? This is some impressive work.)

The tailor decides this town is just too small for someone with his impressive fly-swatting skills. He sets off to seek adventure in the wider world, bringing with him only his sash and a piece of cheese, which he puts in his pocket.

(I killed 4 flies in one blow with a flyswatter, once. But I decided to keep my day job.)

On his way out, he finds a bird stuck in a bush, and puts that in his other pocket.

This bird is alive, but apparently content to sit motionless in a strange, small, dark place for an unspecified amount of time.

The tailor meets a giant, who will be the first of many characters to interpret “seven in one blow” as referring to men. This misunderstanding initiates multiple rounds of showing off.

The giant picks up a rock and squeezes it until water comes out. Which…isn't how rocks work, but okay.

The tailor takes out his cheese, and squeezes it until way more water comes out—apparently this is a soft cheese, which raises some concerns about his pocket storage, and apparently it also looks enough like a rock to fool the giant.

The giant picks up another stone and throws it as far as he can.

The tailor takes the bird out of his other pocket and throws it; the bird flies away, much farther than the giant’s. The giant believes the bird is a stone, too, and I am having some concerns about his eyesight.

Next, they carry a felled tree together. By which I mean, the giant carries a tree, while the tailor sits in the branches, and every time the giant glances back, the tailor jumps down and pretends to be doing his share.

Eventually, the giant takes the tailor home, where he meets several other giants. He’s invited to spend the night, but is intimidated by the size of the bed the giants offer, so he slips out in the night and sleeps on the floor in the corner.

The giant smashes the bed to pieces, confident he’s smashed the troublesome tailor along with it. And this, friends, is why we always check for a body.

In the morning, when the tailor turns up alive, all of the giants run away in terror.

He proceeds to a local palace, where his sash is again misinterpreted, and he’s invited, as a great warrior, to take a special position in the royal army.

He accepts. The other soldiers are terrified to work with a man who could kill seven of them with one blow, and tell the king, “either he goes or we do.”

The king is unwilling to lose his entire army, but he’s afraid to upset such a dangerous man by firing him. Instead, he decides to set an impossible task to get rid of him.

Two giants are wreaking havoc. If the tailor can kill them, the king will give him half the kingdom and his daughter’s hand in marriage.

(This is a very frequent offer, and I find it baffling. Generally the daughter is this situation is the king’s only child, which means that if you marry her, you’ll eventually get the entire kingdom, as the new king, when your father-in-law dies. So why are we dividing the kingdom now? That seems like a huge mess, politically. You split the kingdom in half. Does it eventually get reassembled when the old king dies? Or does his half go to someone else? If we have a king splitting his kingdom in half every time a giant needs to be killed, or a princess needs to be rescued, how many kingdoms are we going to have in a few generations? Is this why there are so many princes and princesses in fairy tales? Is the continent just littered in dozens of broken-up kingdoms each covering a couple miles? This is not sustainable.)

Of course, the king is expecting that the giants will kill the tailor—he has no intention of actually giving him his daughter or half his kingdom.

The tailor finds the giants sleeping, hides in a tree, and starts pelting them both with stones. Each giant thinks the other is attacking him, and they fight and kill each other. The tailor, of course, takes the credit.

The king sets another impossible task—to capture a unicorn.

The tailor gets the unicorn to chase him, runs almost into a tree, and darts out of the way. The unicorn gets its horn stuck in the tree.

A third impossible task—to catch a wild boar.

Again, the tailor gets it to chase him. He runs into a conveniently located chapel. The boar follows. He jumps out a window. The boar is not able to follow. He circles back around to close the door, and the boar is contained.

The king is out of impossible tasks. The promise must be kept. A wedding is planned.

The princess is not a fan.

It is after the wedding that we learn of the tailor’s only weakness—sleep-talking. His new wife learns from the sleep-talking that he used to be a tailor, and apparently she and the king feel this justifies them in getting rid of him, as if his former profession somehow cancels out the giant-slaying and unicorn-capture.

They plan to have the tailor kidnapped in the night and thrown on a ship that will take him far, far away.

But the tailor’s squire overhears, and tattles.

The next night, when the kidnappers are supposed to come, the tailor pretends to sleep, and pretends to sleep-talk, this time about all of his terrifying feats. The kidnappers run away, successfully terrified, and the tailor allegedly lives happily ever after, though I have some concerns about his relationship with his wife and father-in-law.

There is a variant where the final scene ends with something other than sleep-talking—I think a bucket of fish gets dumped on the princess? But I cannot find it right now, which is driving me absolutely insane. Just know it’s out there somewhere. Hopefully I’ll track it down eventually.

The Laidly Worm of Spindleston Heugh

 This is one of my favorite kinds of stories—enchanted bride/groom without the bride/groom. The transforming power of non-romantic love is just so fantastic.

The Laidly Worm is an English fairy tale, collected by Joseph Jacobs. We open with a widowed king who has two children. These children are named Childe Wynd and Margaret. I’m gonna assume that each parent named one child here, because this looks like wildly different taste in names.

Childe Wynd, the oldest child, and the son, sets off to seek his fortune. Which, like, what fortune? Isn’t he the heir to the throne? That’s a built-in fortune; why is he seeking one elsewhere?

Of course, the real reason he’s off seeking his fortune is so that he’ll be safely out of the way for what happens next. Which is that his father remarries, and his new wife is, as is so often the case, a witch.

It’s all going well enough until someone comments on Margaret’s beauty, which, of course, her stepmother is deeply offended by.

She turns Margaret into a laidly worm, who can only be turned back by three kisses from her absent brother.

Which seems like a great way to guarantee your spell will be broken—I mean “get your brother to come kiss you” is a lot easier than “get someone to fall in love with you in your monstrous form” or “get someone to share a bed with you for a year without ever seeing your face” or any of the other, more traditional ways to break this kind of spell.

Margaret wakes up the next morning, in her bed, as a laidly worm. (Laidly, by the way, just means ugly. And we’re taking, like, serpent, not earthworm.)

Margaret’s maids all run away, and she slithers out of the palace, settling in at Spindleston Heugh.

At this point, Margaret begins terrorizing the countryside, devouring everything she comes across, and so the locals consult with a warlock. He figures out that the worm is really the princess—apparently this is news despite the worm being found in the princess’s bed—maybe they assumed it ate her? But how did they think it got into the palace in the first place without being seen?

Anyway, he tells them the enchanted princess is just hungry, and if they give her the milk of seven cows, she’ll be a good snake. Also, her brother can break the spell.

So. Margaret drinks a lot of milk, and just sort of hangs out, being a snake. I’m really impressed with the problem-solving here. Instead of rushing right to “kill the monster,” we took the time to figure out what was actually going on, and work out a peaceful solution. Margaret didn’t mean to hurt anyone; she was frightened and hungry and confused. And instead of fighting back, we’re feeding her.

Childe Wynd comes home. The stepmom sends some storms to sink his ships, but they can’t be sunk because they’re made of rowan wood. She sends Margaret to attack the ships when they reach shore, which is the first indication we’ve seen that she can control Margaret as Worm. Childe Wynd sails away again, and approaches from the other side. As soon as they’ve successfully landed, the stepmom loses all power over Margaret.

And this is where things get really weird.  Because Child Wynd runs and Margaret, sword drawn.

Like, dude. You’re here to rescue her? It’s common knowledge in the community now that the worm is Margaret, and I get that you’ve been away a long time, but weren’t you briefed on the situation? I find it very unlikely that someone came to get you so you could save your sister, and failed to mention that she had been turned into a worm. Decapitation is not a standard rescue method.

Margaret is like, “wait, no, kiss me.”

Wynd hesitates.

Margaret says, ‘seriously, you gotta kiss me three times.” (But, like, in rhyme.)

He doesn’t actually question this, despite not seeming to know who she is. He kisses her three times. She turns back into his sister. They go to the castle, find the stepmom, and touch her with a rowan branch. This turns her into a toad. She hops away, Wynd becomes king—no word on what happened to his dad—and he and Margaret live happily ever after.

Allegedly, the toad is still hopping around in the neighborhood. So, like, be careful if you’re inclined to frog kissing. Don’t wanna unleash a witch.