Morality Tale Type: What Not To Do
The first thing you need to know about this story is that
this is not the title. Nope. The title is Iron Henry. Now, you may be asking,
“Who is Henry?” And you may be thinking, oh, of course, the frog prince must be
named Henry.
Nope. Dude doesn’t even show up until the last couple
paragraphs. So hang tight; we’ll get there.
Actually, we’ll there pretty fast, because what is there to
say that you don’t know already? Princess drops a ball in the water, frog goes
to get it—wait. I’ve got this. There is stuff to say.
A ball? Either this girl is involved in the sort of
extracurriculars most princesses avoid, or she’s pretty young. So, option 1:
we’ve got a chick who plays softball or football or something , doesn’t know
how to swim, and is generally creeped out by things that do. Or, option two:
little girl drops her favorite toy in the well.
Given that her activity was described, specifically, as tossing
the ball up and catching it, I’m putting my money on option two. Plus, I feel
like a little girl would be less freaked out than a lady if a frog started
talking.
On the other hand, I also feel like a little girl would be
less grossed out by the frog than the lady would. Whatever. All I’m saying is,
if the chick’s favorite activity is playing catch with herself, she takes a
talking amphibian in stride, and she cries over a lost toy, maybe we shouldn’t
expect her to be totally on top of the wise decisions.
This is, by the way, not about me rearranging the story so
yet another charming prince is a pedophile, okay? We’ve got plenty of that out
in the open—I’m not about to go looking for it. This is about attempting to
explain the princess’s indisputably horrible behavior. Either way, we can’t win
this one. Either she’s a little kid, or she’s a vicious murderer, so pick your
poison, I guess.
Back to the story. Girl promises to hang with frog dude if
he gets the ball, she runs off as soon as she has it back, and he shows up at
the palace and tattles on her. The king, also unfazed by the talking frog,
tells her she’d better keep her promises, with the scolding further cementing
my child theory. Girl deals with frog until bedtime, and here’s where things
get interesting again. (Oh my goodness, I was so wrong about having nothing to
say.)
She’s afraid of the frog sleeping in her bed. Five years
ago, I would have thought yeah, duh, he’s all wet and boggy and stuff, and what
if she rolls over in her sleep and crushes him? Guys, I have done way too much
research in college to be that innocent. Does the frog actually intend to just
sleep in the bed? I don’t know for sure, but I’m betting he doesn’t.
His intentions here are really important, because the next
thing that happens is that she picks him up and flings him at the wall. And
he’s a frog, so, you know, splat.
If this was her defense against a particularly cringe-worthy
come-on, I’m gonna go ahead and say she’s in the clear here. However, if the
blatantly attempted homicide was just ‘cuz he was getting on her nerves, dude,
what the heck? You’re the princess. The princess doesn’t kill people.
And in a move that rivals
Sleeping Beauty level wtf, the
impact jolts him right out of enchantment, or something, and suddenly instead
of frog goop, we’ve got a hot prince proposing to our murder girl. I mean, if
that’s really what you want in a relationship, man. Your funeral. Maybe
literally.
(Sidenote: What were the terms of his spell? You can only be
a prince again when you’ve pissed someone off so much she wants you dead? There
is no kiss here, people. There is only murder. Someone remind me to come back
to this when I do the Lindworm series—I’m just noticing some interesting
parallels, although I don’t know what to make of them yet.)
Of course the girl agrees to marry the guy she just attacked
in a fit of homicidal rage, because that’s how fairy tales work. And now we
finally, finally get around to Iron Henry.
Dude’s a servant of the prince, and he’s been pretty bummed
about the whole frog thing. Not even because of his paycheck. He had to get
three iron bands put in around his heart, to keep it from breaking over the
whole mess.
But now his prince is back and he’s getting married, and
Henry’s so happy those bands just snap right off. So Iron Henry really loves his
king, is what I’m getting here. I mean, we’re talking literal heart-breakage.
He had to get preventative surgery.
Yikes.
If this was a popular story, in the here and now, you know
they’d ship it hard. I can already see the fanart. And let me tell you, Iron
Man frenching a frog? Not the prettiest picture.
Anyway.
Girls, don’t make promises you can’t keep, and remember,
murder is not the answer. Guys, don’t marry someone who tried to kill you, and
stay out of other people’s beds. And if anyone’s in the market for heart
surgery, hit up Henry for some tips.
