There is a peasant in the woods, and his family is large and
he is poor and his children are terribly ill.
One day, a large white bear comes up to him in the woods and
says, “Hey, man, if you give me your youngest daughter I’ll give you a ton of
money and your crops will prosper and your kids will be healthy.”
And the father is all like, “Excuse me? We do not just give
people away. Especially to talking forest creatures. She’s a person, not a pair
of spare boots.”
He pauses, considering the general financial situation of
his family.
“I’ll ask her if she’s interested.”
Initially, our girl is not wildly enthusiastic about this
opportunity, and hey, who could blame her? But things are pretty bad at home,
and if she can help, well.
The bear comes back and she climbs on his back, and they
travel far and far and far away, to a beautiful castle in the snow. And the
bear goes off to do bear things, and the girl goes to the fancy bedroom
provided. Night falls. Sleep falls.
And then, the door opens. And then, some dude gets into bed
with her. And our girl, she just rolls with it. Like, okay, I’m in a magic
castle with a talking bear, hundreds of miles away from everyone and everything
I’ve ever known, and now there’s a strange man in my bed. Whatever.
I dunno. Maybe she’s thinking, well hey, at least it’s not
the bear. Maybe she’s just too freaked out to react. Who knows?
But this keeps happening. Night after night after night. And
she keeps letting it. Are they lying there in awkward silence? Are they talking?
Are they sleeping? Are they having sex?
I mean, okay, they’re definitely having sex, because that’s
just how fairy tales work—they never spell it out, but the implication is
always there.
Anyway. Most of a year goes by. Girl gets homesick. Talks to
bear. The bear is a pretty cool bear, because he’s like, “Yeah, sure, but you
can only visit for a month. And also, um, please don’t talk to your mom alone?”
Now me, I’d think that last bit was a little sketchy. But
our girl figures it’s a pretty good deal.
Her mom, on the other hand, her mom agrees with me. Sketchy.
And of course, she manages to get her daughter alone eventually. And then she
finds out about how her daughter is spending her nights.
In a move that will eternally villainize her, as it has countless
other concerned fairy tale parents, mom objects.
“You’re sleeping with a strange man every night? You’ve
never even seen his face? Are you even using protection? Did you listen to none
of my lectures about safe sex and stranger danger? This is not okay. This is
really not okay. Here. I’m gonna give you a candle and some matches. And the
next time this creep shows up in your bedroom, you’re going to wait until he
falls asleep, and then you’re going to light the candle and figure out what
you’re dealing with.”
So when she gets back to the castle with the bear, our girl
listens to her mom and lights her candle.
And this guy she’s been sleeping with for eleven months?
Turns out he’s really, really cute. Like, record-shatteringly cute. Like,
my-mom-would-totally-understand cute. Like, I-am-physically-incapable-of-looking-away-from-his-beautiful-face-and-my-candle-is-dripping-onto-his-nightshirt
cute.
Then the hot wax gets to him, and the cute guy wakes up.
Turns out our boy is the enchanted talking bear, and he just
had to get through one more month of sleeping with this girl while providing no
information about himself, and the spell would have been broken and he could be
a person full time again.
But now the girl, having exactly zero information about what
was going on and what was expected of her, has screwed up. So he has to go to a
land east of the sun and west of the moon to marry his evil troll stepmother’s
evil troll daughter.
Stepmom comes, boy and castle disappear, girl is left alone
in the snow. End Part One.
